The Happiest Statistic

According to the American Bar Association, 42% of women lawyers take the "off ramp," leaving their career for a time, for one reason or another. Generally speaking, those off-rampers cite raising children as the primary reason for leaving the practice of law. Others cite dissatisfaction with firm life, billing practices, or the practice of law in general. Some studies suggest that gender bias is, at least in part, responsible for women leaving law. In some cases, it's a matter of personalities, personal beliefs, and the day-to-day minutiae, including things as simple as computers that work (every time you turn them on), reliable assistants, and a feeling of belonging. And, of course, there are tee ball games, swim lessons, stories, supper times, and laundry. 

For me, as for anyone I suppose, there's combination of factors--some more weighted than others. But ultimately, those factors all work into the equation that equals my own happiness. After months of agonizing and self reflection (which some of you have tolerated, analyzed, and heard time and again whether over lunch or by virtue of this blog), I made the choice to leave my firm. I'm a quitter of sorts, I suppose, but I don't see it that way. I made it nine years, and in those nine years I learned a lot about the law and more about myself. I re-evaluated my priorities. And ultimately, I decided that leaving my firm is, for now, what will make me outrageously happy. (Someday soon, I'll tell you all the things I'm going to miss, but I've cried enough in the past week.)

This has been a long time in coming. I missed my partnership window. I had two babies. I went part time (and someday I'll add my final thoughts on working part time and why it does and doesn't work). And when I took a first tentative step onto my off-ramp, a very dear friend gave me a gift:

This used to sit on my desk, but for now, it holds a place of priority right inside the door where we come and go--so I can see it and remind myself that when I grow up, I want to be outrageously happy. I think I've taken a step in the right direction. 

Private practice used to make me outrageously happy. This was me then: 

I loved everything about private practice. The deadlines, the late nights, and the hours arguing about lien avoidance and mobile home security perfection issues. I loved the incessant phone calls and the nearly weekly trips to bankruptcy court, the 30 page briefs, and the nationwide research projects. I ate conflict and confrontation for dinner and spit out compromise after compromise. 

Things changed. My practice changed. I got older, and with that came more administrative tasks. I spent more time managing cases than writing about them. I discovered that I'd rather read Goodnight Goodnight Construction Site for the 115th time than work on one more litigation budget.  

I lost sleep. I became exhausted. This is me working part time: 

A little frazzled. A lot crazy--and most of the time not in the crazy fun good way. 

This was me finally making the decision to leave private practice: 

There were a lot of tears. I tried not to roll around in the floor and show my panties (even though I really wanted to roll around, kick, scream, and throw things). 

I sulked. I resisted. I crossed my arms and cut out a lot of people who might have been able to help. (But I doubt it, because really, for now, private practice isn't for me--at least until the mortgage crisis has passed). 

And so, today, I'm an outrageously happy statistic. I'm one of the 42% leaving a private practice law career. I don't know what the future has in store. I secretly hope it will be something legal. (I suppose I should rephrase this as "something in the legal field," but really, I hope it will be legal too.). 

This is me after having finally made a decision--be it the right one, the wrong one, or somewhere in between: 

I think she's excited. Or terrified. It's hard to tell. I understand where she's coming from with that. 

Pure joy. Relief. 

And that relief is why for now, I am the happiest statistic you'll find in the world of law.