I don't purport to be an expert on mothering, wife-ing, or lawyer-ing. But I've learned a lot in the last year, and I find that what I appreciate most these days are honest assessments. I don't mince words, and I don't expect others to sugar coat reality for me. My honest assessment of going from a full-time, partnership track lady lawyer to a part-time mommy track lady lawyer can be reduced to five points (for now): Expectation, Appreciation, Compensation, Degradation, and Organization.
When I started as a baby lawyer, I expected to make a few mistakes. I made more than a few. I expected to work from 9-6. I worked from 9-6, 7, 8, and weekends. I expected to bill all of my time. I bill about 80% of the time I'm in the office. The rest is reserved for bathroom breaks, sanity breaks, doctor's appointments, and life. I expected to become a director at my firm. I didn't.
When I started out as a mom, I expected to put my baby in daycare from 8-6 every day. I didn't. I expected to have his nanny take him to his doctor's appointments. I didn't. Because really, how could I send him for shots without his mommy? I expected that baby number 2 wouldn't change things much. She did.
And so, I went part time at my job. Part time for me means that I try to be in the office at least 4 days a week and most weeks 5. I work shorter days and pick up my kids from school. I expected that I would have time to do the dishes and vacuum the rugs. My pantry would be organized, and supper would magically appear on the table every night. I expected that I would stay at the top of my class and continue on an upward trajectory at the firm with just a few bumps along the way.
I expected I would work consistent hours. I failed my own expectations, and this has been the toughest aspect of part time work to address. Some weeks I work 1 day; some weeks I work 7. Some months I bill 80 hours, some months it's more like 150. Because, being part time doesn't change the fact that I'm a litigator. There is a natural ebb and flow to the work, which cannot be accounted for by virtue of going part time. There are weeks when supper isn't on the table. I struggle to find childcare for odd hours. I work weekends and nights. Other weeks, I'm able to take advantage of my arrangement and put my kids down for naps. I find time to untangle the mass of dirty clothes in the closet. Some weeks, the stars collide, and I need to be at work while GiGi needs to be at the doctor or while RJ desperately needs me to hold his head while he throws up. Those are the hard weeks.
Most days, I do at least one call from my van or from the narthex at the church where my kids go to school. I forward my office phone to my cell phone so that I can't be accused of being "unavailable." (There is an inescapable expectation that I be at my desk 40 hours a week while permissibly working part time.). It will be years before I can save enough money to have a life-size replica made to hold down my chair at work and make people feel better about the time I'm "out." Until then, I make myself available all the time by cell phone and email.
I expected I would have time away from the office. I don't. I am always on email and answering my phone, because if I don't, I'm "unavailable." When I worked full time, it was okay for me to take a couple of hours off now and again. Now, it isn't.
There are those lawyers who will argue that they too make calls from their cars and never sign off email. That's probably true. But, for me, there was a certain expectation of relief when I agreed to give up other things that a fulltime position offered (like benefits, promotions, and expectations that I would still have a career rather than just a job.). I expected that I could be away from my desk without murmurings of "lazy." I expected that I would continue to do interesting important work. I expected that I would embrace part time work. I haven't.
Working part time is a daily scheduling struggle. It's a daily internal emotional struggle. Some days, I'd give it all up to be able to work from 8-5 with a few days vacation and a couple of holidays built in. Unfortunately, being a lawyer doesn't work that way. Some days, like today, when I've been home with my children for five days straight, I can't wait to get to my desk. And, when I get to my desk, I can't wait to be home again.
When I worked full time, I had time to myself. Now, I have none. My time belongs to the firm and to my children.
What going part time has taught me? Adjust my expectations. As my husband tells me often, "You have to make it work for you." And so, about 8 months into the part time gig, I adjusted my expectations. I gave myself a break. I don't have supper on the table every night, and I'm not a star litigator. If I'm giving myself an end-of-the-year grade, I probably come in around a B-. I used to be an "A" student (if we ignore Property I and Algebra III). I'm not entirely comfortable with being a "B" student, but adjusting my expectations has allowed me to enjoy what part time work has to offer. I still get to be a lawyer. I get to use my brain and continue to learn. I contribute to the family's bottom line (and earn a few extra dollars for Ruffle Butts and Hot Wheels). I've been to every school party. I've tended every fever and sniffle.
Is part time work perfect? Not even close. Is it worth it? Probably. Maybe. Perhaps. We shall see. I'm still adjusting my expectations.
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